- Published Sep 14, 2013 in The Scene
- Read time: about 2 minutes
The Rooskies are at it again, this time trying to incarcerate an American bass player. Was he not locking with the drummer or something?
Ah, memories. It seems like just yesterday Comrade Putin was throwing three innocent women into the gulag. Stalin would be proud.
But Pussy Riot is so 2012. Today we have Bloodhound Gang, a couple of good 'ol boys from the good 'ol US of A who are now in danger of spending the next five years of their lives in a Russian penal colony.
That's pretty severe punishment by any standards. So of course bassist Evil Jared Hasselhoff (his real name is Jared Hennegan but we like the other one better) must have carjacked an old lady, killed her Hortaya Borzaya and sold the car for parts on the black market.
No? Well then surely he stole a Fabergé Egg from the Hermitage and ate it. No? Then what could Mr. Evil Hasselhoff have done to command
the ire of Russia's infamous
KGB Investigative Committee?
He stuffed a flag down his pants and pulled it out the other side. Damn yo. Give that guy the chair!
According to people who's actual job it is to report the news, "The committee said it suspected the men of plotting to carry out acts aimed at 'humiliating the human dignity of citizens of Russia'".
Our take: time to send in the Marines. And tell 'em to pick up the Pussy Riot girls while they're in-country.